By David Menzies

Hypothetically, if such a thing as Car Theft for Dummies existed, the following rule would surely be front and centre: “Once in possession of a stolen set of wheels, don’t give into the munchies by hitting a fast-food drive-through while making your getaway – especially if a police cruiser is occupying the drive-through lane.”

Alas, it was hunger pangs and a lack of awareness that did in a wannabe Edmonton car thief recently when the McDoofus decided to visit a McDonald’s drive-through to have an early morning snack while driving a stolen vehicle. Apparently one can work up quite the appetite when engaged in late night car thievery.

However, Edward Alexander Golden, 25, barely got past the Golden Arches signage before being apprehended by one of Edmonton’s Finest.

Golden’s luck began to evaporate when a McDonald’s employee called the police after he put in his order. Staff noticed Golden was acting “suspiciously” at the take-out window.

Little wonder Golden looked so dodgy: turns out he was as drunk as a skunk. (Consuming copious quantities of Molson Golden, perhaps?)

Surely stealing a vehicle while inebriated would also go against advice found in our hypothetical Car Theft for Dummies handbook.

But it gets worse: turns out an Edmonton Police Service officer just happened to be idling right behind Golden’s stolen car in the McDonald’s drive-through lane.

By John LeBlanc

Dearborn, Mich. – With the introduction of a new six-cylinder engine for 2011, Ford has finally fixed one of the biggest weaknesses in its otherwise competitive Mustang lineup.

Replacing the rear-wheel-drive Mustang’s aging 210-hp 4.0-litre V6 is a new all-aluminum 3.7-litre sporting 305 hp and 280 ft.-lb. of torque.

If you’re wondering, that’s marginally better than a Chevrolet Camaro V6 (304 hp and 273 lb.-ft.), and a huge advantage over a Dodge Challenger six (250 hp and 250 lb.-ft.)

And although the Camaro V6 paired to an automatic is rated 6.9 L/100 km on the highway, Ford claims the 2011 Mustang V6, matched to a new six-speed automatic transmission, will get an “expected best-in-class” 30 mpg US, or 6.88 L/100 km.

Ford says much of the new V6’s horsepower and economy gains come from the engine’s Twin Independent Variable Camshaft Timing (Ti-VCT) that allows variable control of valve operation across the rev range.

By David Menzies

Being penalized by the state for parking illegally is all part of the game when it comes to motoring in the big city. Be it a hefty parking ticket, having one’s car whisked away by a tow truck or suffering the indignities of the Denver Boot, there are myriad ways the authorities can punish those who park unlawfully… including, it would appear, blowing up an offending vehicle.

Just ask Michael Raphel, 28.

Raphel illegally parked his Honda Civic Type R on double yellow lines less than half a klick away from the British prime minister’s 10 Downing Street residence in London.

Metropolitan Police reviewed CCTV footage that showed Raphel somewhat suspiciously running away from his illegally-parked vehicle. Fearing the Honda might contain a bomb, the cops decided to play it safe. Which is to say, in the words of SCTV’s Billy Sol Hurock and Big Jim McBob, they “blowed up” Raphel’s Honda “real good.”

Alas, it turns out Raphel isn’t a card-carrying member of Al-Qaeda after all. Rather, he’s a businessman from Headington, Oxford who was visiting London to celebrate a friend’s birthday.

But when the parking scofflaw returned to where he had left his car, the sight that greeted him was the smoldering remains of his Civic – as well as a bevy of anti-terrorism Bobbies.

 
Photo: AutoSport Catalog 

By David Menzies

This just in from the What Will They Think of Next? file …

In our car-obsessed culture – in which eating on the run and making use of the drive-through window is de rigueur commuting behaviour – it is sometimes challenging to stay neat and tidy behind the wheel. Especially when one happens to be wolfing down a Baconater with poutine.

It goes without saying that condiment stains on clothing and fast-food debris splattered upon fine Corinthian leather is terribly unsightly. So thank goodness the fine folks at AutoSport Catalog (www.autosportcatalog.com) are now selling The Drib for slobs on the run.

The Drib is a foldable, washable, shoulder-to-knee bib designed to be worn in the car. An absorbent fabric front and moisture-resistant back keep spills in check. As well, large pockets on the bottom catch food spills. And shoulder weights negate the need for awkward ties and clips.

 By David Menzies

Tired of calendars depicting such claptrap as bikini-clad models, rarefied exoticars, or gorgeous scenic vistas? Then Kevin Beresford has just the calendar for you. And just in time for Christmas.

Beresford recently compiled a calendar featuring vibrant, graphic, detailed images of… road kill.

Busted badgers, ruined raccoons, squished squirrels… Beresford’s calendar boasts a smorgasbord of crushed critters that never quite made it across the street in time.

While some might say such a calendar is tasteless bordering on grotesque, the unapologetic Brit claims he’s already sold “hundreds” of copies.

“The pictures are quite shocking but I’ve tried to take them in an artistic way and make each one into a portrait of a silent, tiny tragedy,” he told the U.K.’s Metro newspaper.

The 57-year-old was inspired by his day job. As a courier, Beresford sees an excess of road kill as he makes his rounds.

“Damien Hirst has made a fortune with dead animals so I thought I’d give it a try,” says Beresford, referring to the British artist who routinely uses deceased creatures preserved in formaldehyde.

By David Menzies

It’s official: a Bugatti Veyron, a cell phone, a pelican and a saltwater lagoon do not mix well together.

Just ask Andy House of Lufkin, Tex.

House recently took his newly delivered seven-figure 2006 Bugatti out for a spin, zooming past a saltwater lagoon near Galveston.

Alas, the beginning of the end for the Bugatti unfolded when House dropped his cell phone. While still merrily motoring along at goodness-knows-what-rate-of-speed (a Veyron can eclipse the 200-mph mark, after all), House engaged in some distracted driving as he searched the exoticar’s cockpit for his phone. When he finally retrieved the item and assumed a proper driving position (i.e., looking straight out the windshield), a low-flying pelican evidently startled House.

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Anyway, the sight of the pelican was apparently so traumatic for House that he ended up swerving off the road and plowing the Veyron straight into the lagoon.

House emerged uninjured. But the Bugatti remained half-submerged in the brine and had to be towed out. The car is said to be (ouch!) a write-off. Talk about an inglorious ending for one of the world’s most coveted supercars: death by pelican and saltwater. Oy Veyron, indeed!

By David Menzies

Armed with a scan tool in one hand and a wrench in the other, she beat the boys at their own game.
Indeed, after enduring years of ridicule and scorn, Nadja Lenehan enjoyed the last laugh recently when she was named Australian Apprentice of the Year. And Lenehan snagged the honours while working in the male-dominated world of automotive mechanics.

According to The West Australian, Lenehan, 24, was given the prestigious award by Street Machine magazine after it subjected applicants to rigorous testing in order to crown the automotive industry’s brightest rising star.

The prize was indeed sweet for Lenehan, who lives in the Western Australian town of Mandurah. After all, many employers refused to even give her a chance when she first tried to break into the automotive aftermarket industry as a 17-yer-old. While she longed to work on engines, Lenehan was forced to wash cars instead.

“Mechanics would stand there and literally laugh at me when I asked them for an apprenticeship,” she recalls. “I had done a pre-apprenticeship and I was better than most of the boys. But they still wouldn’t take me seriously.”

However, Mandurah Performance took a chance on the feisty technician when the then 19-year-old impressed owner Mark Bones by doing a V8 conversion on her car.

By David Menzies

Snowbirds take note: if you happen to be cruising through the state of Florida, you might want to remain firmly planted behind the steering wheel. Granted, you won’t be doing your waistline any favours – but you may just live to tell the tale of your Floridian vacation.

A survey of the most dangerous cities in the United States for pedestrians reveals that four of the top five dangerous places are all located in the Sunshine State. According to a report recently released by Transportation for America, a coalition of organizations focused on transportation problems, Orlando, Tampa/St. Petersburg, Miami and Jacksonville are dangerous cities indeed for those who to go out for a stroll.

“These areas are dominated by lower density and automobile-orientated development patterns, which includes high urban arterials that are particularly hazardous for walking,” notes the report.
Orlando is the worst city overall with a whopping Pedestrian Danger Index of 221.5, followed by Tampa/St. Petersburg at 205.5.

On the flipside, Minneapolis (22.3) and Boston/Cambridge/Quincy (23.2) were ranked as the two most pedestrian-friendly cities.

By David Menzies

According to those in law enforcement, if a stolen vehicle doesn’t resurface within two weeks of being swiped, chances are those wheels are gone for good.

Just try telling that to Michelle Squires.

Back in 1974, a 1965 Volkswagen bus belonging to Squires (whose surname was Carlson back then) was stolen in Spokane, Wash.

Days turned into weeks and it appeared as though her VW was long gone. Thus, Squires was eventually paid a settlement of a few hundred dollars for her lost property by her insurance company, Allstate. Such a sum was considered fair market value for a nine-year-old VW van back when Richard Nixon was president.
 
But lo and behold – more than three decades later, Squires’ hippie-mobile was recovered by U.S. customs agents in Los Angeles. (The vehicle was in a shipping container destined for Europe.)

If anything, the thief certainly took tender loving care of the blue and white VW: the van is in near-mint condition thanks to a complete restoration job.

But here’s where the story gets interesting: Squires – who says she still has fond memories of her van – would like it back.

By David Menzies

For automotive aficionados hopping to add a bit of zoom to the room, your prayers have been answered. Pink Slip Fabrication (www.carcrazydesks.com) lives up to its moniker by carrying a line of furniture that is part vehicle, part furniture. It’s as if Martha Stewart Living had a head-on collision with Monster Garage.

Consider, for example, the Corvette Desk. As the name implies, the desk is constructed from the rear end of a bona fide Corvette C6. Priced at US$2,300, the Corvette Desk features working lights, taillight lenses, a thick glass top with an etched nameplate, exhaust pipes, handmade billet aluminum engraved knobs, high-grade solid wood construction and can be custom-painted any colour. And again, we stress: despite the vehicular attributes, this is indeed an immobile piece of furniture, not a sports car.