By David Menzies

On New Year’s Day, as we gaze in the rear-view mirror of history and take inventory of the year that was, we once again ask ourselves: “Huh? That’s it?”

The good news: lazy bloggers can embrace this day for the always excusable year-end review (recycling, surely!) shtick. Without further ado, here are some of the goofiest happenings of 2009.

The “It Will Never Fly” Award for the Most Bizarre Car Invention (tie): Makeup Tentacle and Man-Blinders

Inspired by Spider-Man villain Doctor Octopus, the Makeup Tentacle was meant to give female motorists a way to apply makeup while keeping their hands on the wheel and their eyes on the road. Alas, the prototype was met with openly hostile reaction and most likely won’t make it to market.

Not to be outdone, consider the whacky concept dreamed up by Brian Presement. After Presement almost had an accident due to a lovely lass on the sidewalk, he modified a set of horse blinders to limit his peripheral vision. Whether such a get-up actually works is undoubtedly a moot point: I should think most guys would rather get into a distracted driving fender-bender than commute around town looking like a Clydesdale.

The “Duh!” Award for Stupidest Car Thief (another tie): Terrance McCoy and Billy J. Robinson
Terrance McCoy of Detroit was sentenced to at least two years in prison for stealing the car belonging to his date. And as first dates go, this was indeed a world-class clunker: the unreal McCoy also stiffed his gal-pal on the restaurant tab.

Then there’s Mensa Club member-in-waiting Billy J. Robinson. The St. Louis man initially eluded capture by authorities after he botched the robbery of a Buick in an East Peoria, Ill. Lowe’s parking lot. Amazingly, Robinson later waltzed into a police station not to turn himself in but to ask the cops if they could give him bus fare. He promptly received a one-way ticket to the Crowbar Motel.

By David Menzies

Police cruisers suffer their fair share of bumps and bruises during the course of duty. Yet, it’s one thing to put a dent in a de rigueur Ford Crown Victoria; it’s quite another to total a half-million dollar supercar.

Alas, that is precisely what happened in Cremona, Italy when a pair of police officers recently wrote-off a Lamborghini Gallardo coupe by smashing the Italian stallion into a row of parked vehicles.

The Gallardo – which can reach a speed of 325 km/h – was one of two Lamborghinis donated to police by the exoticar manufacturer in order to help with high-speed pursuits.

In any event, witnesses say the police car had accelerated just before another car pulled out of a gas station. Before you could say “arrivederci”, the Gallardo was forced off the road.

Incredibly, embarrassed police officers actually tried to confiscate phone cameras from witnesses. They soon abandoned that plan when hundreds of rubberneckers turned up to gaze upon the six-figure carnage.
 “They [police officers driving the Gallardo] are supposed to be elite drivers but even the best can have an off-day,” said one colleague, stating the painfully obvious.

By David Menzies

From the Department of “Do As I Say, Not As I Do”: Brian Cooper of Toronto was visiting his local Esso gas bar recently and came across an able-bodied motorist violating a clearly-marked handicapped parking spot. That’s hardly newsworthy: there’s no shortage of self-entitled boors who believe the law doesn’t apply to them, even if their actions inconvenience the disabled.

However, what was notable about this particular violation was the profession of the violator: namely, a parking enforcement officer. In other words, the very person who hands out pricey parking tickets to those parking in handicapped spots.

Cooper adroitly documented the violation with his cell phone camera and is now openly wondering: are parking enforcement officers exempt from parking laws?

And talk about laziness: Cooper notes this officer’s transgression was all the more egregious given that “another spot, literally right beside the handicap spot was open.”

Cooper notes that another citizen, “equally as shocked and frustrated at this,” confronted the officer in the gas station’s convenience store. Instead of moving his vehicle or apologizing, “the officer blatantly ignored this individual.”

Cooper says he’s steamed by both the incident and the cavalier attitude of someone who should be setting an example.

By David Menzies

Finally, it’s Christmas. And in keeping with the spirit of the season (i.e., doing a slow burn due to the realization that you once again didn’t get what you wanted),  here are my Christmas gift wishes for members of Auto Nation. Hopefully, Santa was good this year – less “no, no, no” and more “ho, ho, ho.”

For BMW: A new driver interface. Despite a couple of revamps, iDrive remains as maddening as ever and the time has come to admit defeat and give iDrive the uBoot.

For Chevrolet: A Camaro convertible.

For Dodge: A Challenger convertible. (Why must we always wait longer for the ragtop versions?)

For Ferrari: Lower prices. Or are the prancing horse people completely recession-proof?

For Honda: Bring back the CRX already!

For Jeep: Discontinuation of brand-diluting vehicles such as the front-wheel-drive Compass and Patriot.

For Kia: A spellchecker. Regarding the two-seater Forte, what’s the deal spelling “coupe” as “koup”?

By David Menzies

As news goes, it’s about as earth-shattering as declaring that the Pope is Catholic or that there’s an excess of saltwater in the Pacific Ocean. Nevertheless, a new study has revealed that women are worse at parking than men. (In case anyone thinks the fix is in, the scientist in charge of the study is female.)

The details: not only do women drivers typically take an average of 20 seconds longer to park their cars, but they still manage to do a poor job as they’re less likely to end up in the middle of the parking space compared to their male counterparts.

As part of a test, 65 drivers were asked to park an Audi A6 sedan in a standard-sized parking space.
Their maneuvers – including head-on, reverse and parallel parking – were timed and rated for accuracy. Each motorist was also judged by how far the vehicle was kept from the edges of the parking space.
Incredibly, even though the female volunteers were appreciably slower, researchers were nevertheless surprised to discover that the extra time didn’t translate into a superior final result.

Dr. Claudia Wolf of Ruhr University in Bochum, Germany, who led the study, said the research indeed confirmed previous findings. Namely, men have better co-ordination and spatial awareness than women. As well, men are more apt to take risks behind the wheel.

By David Menzies

A different kind of car fragrance is in the air these days – and it has nothing to do with those little evergreen tree-shaped air fresheners.

Indeed, check out the scents that are for drivers, not rides. Namely, vehicle-branded colognes and perfumes.

Thus, if you can’t afford that little red Corvette made by GM, chances are you can afford Corvette Red cologne by Vapro International. And while only a select few drivers will ever be good enough to crack the NASCAR circuit, anyone can pretend he or she smells like a racer by splashing on a dab of Daytona 500 cologne. (Manufacturer Elizabeth Arden trumpets Daytona 500 as the world’s “first sporting-event branded fragrance” for those keeping track of such matters.)

 While auto-themed colognes are diverse, they share at least one commonality: they tend to be based on an iconic automobile. Thus, if you’re pining for Eau de Kia or La Fragrance Ford Focus, you’re out of luck.
James Hicks, publisher of Cosmetics magazine – which covers Canada’s fragrance, toiletry and beauty industries – says he’s not surprised to see car-themed colognes emerge as a growing trend.

By David Menzies

According to car-pricing firm TrueCar, four of the “Top 10 Best Days in the Year to Buy a Car” have yet to arrive: Dec. 21, Dec. 24, Dec. 28 and Dec. 31. Indeed, TrueCar notes that December discounts car run anywhere from 6.9% to 7.25%.

But what to buy? Consider the following vehicles that have recently received kudos:

FORD FLEX: COLLECTOR’S ITEM!
The Ford Flex has been named the most likely vehicle of 2009 to emerge as a future collectible. The prediction comes courtesy of the National Automotive History Collection and was selected from eight all-new vehicles launched in 2009.

Says NAHC’s Charles Hyde: “This selection is unique among all the ‘Vehicle of the Year’ Awards because it is selected by car buffs who know what future collectors will value.”

Previous winners have included: 2008 Dodge Challenger; 2007 Dodge Viper SRT10; 2006 Pontiac Solstice; 2005 Ford Mustang; 2004 Chrysler 300; 2003 Dodge Viper; 2002 Ford Thunderbird; 1996 Chrysler Sebring convertible; 1995 Buick Riviera and Oldsmobile Aurora.

Apparently, nothing manufactured between 1997 and 2001 was worth collecting. Our sympathies are extended to all those who speculated on the 2000 Chrysler PT Cruiser…

RAM-TASTIC!
Motor Trend has named the 2010 Dodge Ram Heavy Duty as its “Truck of the Year”, beating out the Ford F-150 SVT Raptor, Ford Transit Connect van and the Toyota Tundra 4.6-litre work truck.

The periodical praised the Ram for its powerful yet clean engine and its quiet, comfortable ride. Meanwhile, the truck’s 17,500-lb. towing capacity beat out its rivals.

As for those thinking of buying this truck, we beg of you: please don’t order those idiotic Ram’s head taillight covers…

By David Menzies

“What’re you? Blind?!”

Such a timeless taunt is frequently employed when one enraged driver comments on the perceived abysmal automotive acumen of another.

Yet, when it comes to Volvo contractor Esref Armagan, this man really is blind.

Safety advocates relax: Armagan isn’t test-driving any Volvos a la the Al Pacino character in Scent of a Woman.

Rather, Armagan is a Turkish artist who was recently invited by Volvo to paint the all-new 2011 S60, which is scheduled to make its world premier at the Geneva Auto Show in March.

Would-be purchasers of the 2011 Volvo S60 relax: Volvo hasn’t hired Armagan to give an S60 a paint job; rather, Armagan has painted a rendering of the S60.

And although his painting isn’t exactly photorealistic, it’s an astonishing rendering of an automobile (plus natural background) given that Armagan has never actually seen a car (nor anything else) as he was born blind and impoverished.

His amazing work is documented on video (“Volvo S60 Blind Preview”) and the five-minute flick has emerged as an Internet sensation. The superbly-produced video shows Armagan using his fingers dipped in paint to put the image to canvas. As well, Armagan has the uncanny ability to draw from a three-point perspective, capturing the surfaces of an object from above and below.

By David Menzies

Oolala... once again, the fabulous French are flipping their berets over some perceived monumental offence to Gallic sensibilities. The current problem du jour: it seems some parents are outraged that Renault’s new electric vehicle concept car will be called the Zoe. Oui, you heard correctly: they’re outraged.

“Because our daughters have a beautiful first name, which should not be associated with that of a car, [we] join together to weigh in against a multinational that will destroy the pretty name of our children,” states the petition.

The petition creator, Sébastien Mortreux (who, one presumes, has a daughter named Zoe), said it’s “scandalous” to use a common human first name for a product.

How odd. Don’t the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys signing this petition realize that a car being named after an individual is actually an honour, not a slight?

Case in point: the Mercedes part of Mercedes-Benz was named after the daughter of a famous racer more than a century ago. (As a side note, when am I going to meet a woman with the name Mercedes, Lexus or Porsche who isn’t employed as a stripper? Just asking... )

By David Menzies

Question: When does “zero tolerance” resemble “zero intelligence?"

Answer: Look no further than Ontario’s Durham Regional Police and its bizarre policy on intoxication. Even if you plan on acting responsibly while imbibing in Durham, you can expect a fine.

At least that was the case with Jack Knowler, a 61-year-old retiree, and his girlfriend, Bev Rogers. The couple recently had an enjoyable evening partaking in karaoke at Hanc’s Bar in Bowmanville, Ont. They also had a few drinks.

The good news: the couple had no intention of driving home while in an inebriated state. Indeed, Knowler and Rogers had pre-booked passage with A Ryde Home, a designated driver service.

But according to a surreal report in the Toronto Sun, as Knowler and Rogers were standing outside the pub discreetly awaiting the arrival of their designated driver, three police cruisers descended upon them. And instead of the cops commending the couple for acting responsibly, they were both issued $65 tickets for public intoxication.

“How is it right that you get a ticket for public intoxication while quietly waiting for your designated driver to pick you up?” asks Knowler. “If that’s not a mixed message, what is?”

Excellent question. Especially given that Knowler has no criminal record whatsoever. Ditto for Rogers, who operates a small construction company.