By David Menzies

As the old saying goes, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

The most recent case in point: the Hummer brand.

Alas, a proposed deal to sell GM’s supersized SUV unit to China-based Yengzhong is now deader than road kill. Hummer joins Pontiac and Saturn upon the scrapheap of automotive obsolescence.

Car models and even car companies come-and-go. And there’s nothing new about vehicles being oh-so-chic one year only to become terribly unfashionable in subsequent years once the novelty wears off.

However, the incredible thing about Hummer – aside from its insatiable thirst for fuel – was just how blindingly fast this vehicle fell from grace. Hummer went from cutting-edge cool to pariah perhaps faster than any vehicle in the history of autodom.

Indeed, I remember attending the GM Canada press event in Oshawa, Ont. when the H2 was first launched in 2002. As I gazed upon the amber-hued metallic cube – seemingly designed by the Borg Collective and painted by a school bus company – GM officials made numerous presentations, the bottom line being “bigger is better.” And there weren’t many vehicles bigger than the Humvee.

In truth, I never really “got” Hummer. I thought it was overpriced, ostentatious, and somewhat impractical. After all, if one really needed a very large luxury SUV, surely a Cadillac Escalade XL (with its third row of seats and more cargo space) was a better choice?

Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

Another chapter is set to close in top-level motorsports. For the first time in 20 years, Penske Racing will not run with Marlboro sponsorship in the IndyCar Series. The legendary bright-orange-and-white racers are re-branded with more generic black and white liveries now that Philip Morris USA has finally ended their relationship with the race team.

By Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

Money obviously doesn’t buy taste. Too often we’re reminded of that with gigantic mega mansions, the destroyer-sized yachts moored in Monte Carlo and the increasingly gaudy and ostentatious modifications offered on otherwise beautiful new vehicles. Perhaps the worst in recent years is the Russian-built Dartz Promrbron mega-SUV that claims to offer an optional whale penis-lined interior.

Still, besides headline-grabbing one-offs, there are a few companies that consistently put out gloriously horrendously customized luxury vehicles. One such modifier is Swiss-based Mansory, which isn’t above creating a pink-on-pink Bentley Continental GT with a contrasting carbon-fibre hood. Still, Mansory’s latest offering is aimed squarely at oil-rich sheiks and Russian magnates.

By David Menzies

High octane gasoline fans in Ontario can breathe a sigh of relief: even though Sunoco gas stations will disappear from the landscape in the near future, Ultra 94 shall live on as a Petro-Canada product.

Last year, Suncor Energy Inc. and Petro-Canada merged; one result of that merger is that Sunoco gas stations in Ontario will eventually be rebranded as Petro-Canada outlets. (There are 276 Sunoco gas stations in Ontario, although 70 locations are to be divested due to Competition Bureau stipulations.)

By Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

In the world of Porsche tuning, there are few shops that have created products as wild as Gembella. For almost 30 years, the products that come rolling out of the Stuttgart-Zuffenhausen shop generally boast huge wings, wide wheels and brutally excessive horsepower. At the company’s helm is Uwe Gembella, a man with a true passion for creating 750-hp Cayenne SUVs and twin-turbo versions of the legendary Carrera GT supercar. All’s groovy, right?

By Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

Mercedes-Benz has grabbed the world’s attention with its latest design language, which has nearly touched every model on sale now. Now that Benz’ E-Class has been successfully redesigned and introduced, it’s now time for the attention to turn to the last major holdout: the swoopy CLS, which helped redefine the term coupe when it debuted four years ago. In preparation for the 2010 Geneva Motor Show, the company has previewed its newest concept, the F800 Style, which should preview many of the next-generation CLS’ major features.

By David Menzies

Within seconds, the main road south of the Kremlin was snarled by traffic jams thanks to the freebie pay-per-view porn broadcast.

According to Russian media outlets, a prankster hacked into a computer system and was able to transmit a hard-core pornographic movie on a massive advertising screen facing a busy Moscow thoroughfare.

Predictably, the impromptu skin flick caused commuting chaos as motorists quickly applied the brakes, presumably to take in a free showing of the racy movie.

Sources say the hacker was able to gain control of the Jumbotron-like advertising screen by breaking into an online company’s server in the volatile southern region of Chechnya. The popular daily newspaper, The Kommersant, reported that the pornographic prankster “didn’t think the police would go looking for him [in Chechnya].”

By David Menzies

Consider the vanity licence plate: for a small stipend, motorists can creatively express themselves. Whether it’s a nickname or a catchphrase, the expression mustn’t be offensive, otherwise the “plate police” won’t approve it. And granted, nobody wants to see obscenities on licence plates. But in Ontario, some of the recent plate denials have bordered on the bizarre.

The latest case in point: Rick Evans, the operator of a Vaughan, Ont. workout studio, thought he would promote his business with the vanity licence plate, KICKBUTT. Since KICKBUTT was taken, he applied for BUTTKICK instead.

Alas, Ontario’s Ministry of Transportation rejected the slogan, arguing that it relates to “sexual subject matter, violence/criminal activity, and is abusive/derogatory.”

The MTO further states in its rejection letter that “the government of Ontario must avoid giving the impression that it is prepared to offend some people at the request of others.”

All of which came as a surprise to the 49-year-old Jeep owner who says terms involving the words “kick” and “butt” are commonly used. Rejection of this plate, he charges, amounts to “political correctness gone too far.”

Still, the BUTTKICK denial is the latest embarrassing controversy to emerge at the province’s kooky licencing department. Indeed, another recent embarrassment involved Joanne Sorrill of Whitby, Ont. who was denied renewal of her personalized plate, REV JO.

By Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

A very special Porsche is set to make a historic trip across the pond next month. The car that the company calls the Type 64 Berlin-Rome Car is scheduled to be shown at a special exhibition at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta, GA. Specifically, the highly-polished aluminum body will be on display from March 21 to June 21, and is the first time it will be shown outside of Germany.

By Mark Atkinson, MSN Autos

The legendary Indianapolis 500 has lost its lustre. The annual race used to be the most popular motorsport event in North America, but a combination of infighting and inflated egos in the mid-‘90s split the then-dominant CART series into two less powerful entities: the Champ Car World Series, and the Indy Racing League. These two groups put on largely similar shows to increasingly shrinking crowds, driving the crown jewel Indy 500 event into irrelevancy, and allowing NASCAR to become the dominant series across the United States. In 2008, the IRL absorbed Champ Car, albeit a decade too late, and now the renewed Indy Car Series is looking for ways to get back onto the average fan’s radar again.

So in an attempt to jumpstart fan attention, the ICS put out a tender to replace the aging spec Dallara racecar that’s both ugly and expensive to run. Some notable constructors – Dallara, Lola and Swift – have put forward proposals for the new 2012 car that range from mild to wild, but ultimately are immediately recognizable as ‘Indy cars’.