Why Zombieland rules: SUVs are celebrated, not condemned

By David Menzies

Drivers of supersized-sport utility vehicles have endured more than their fair share of criticism. You know the barbs: SUVs are “gas hogs”; they leave behind an egregious carbon footprint; blah-blah-blah-blah... Talk about an inconvenient goof: in 2002, the Hummer H2 was the coolest ride on the road; today, driving a Humvee is the automotive equivalent of wearing fur.

But shell-shocked SUVers rejoice: in Zombieland (out on DVD tomorrow), big SUVs are cherished, not chastised.

Indeed, SUVs play a crucial role in keeping the main protagonist, Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) alive.
While Zombieland is a comedy about zombies (a zomedy?), Columbus has crafted 32 rules he deems crucial to staying alive in a post-apocalyptic Earth infested by the living dead. Partnering with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), the duo traverse the landscape behind the wheel of a Cadillac Escalade with a plough affixed to the grille (for moving zombies, not snow, out of the way.)

Incidentally, just because one is ensconced within the confines of a substantial SUV, it’s always prudent to embrace Rule #1: Cardio. (For obvious reasons, the planet’s fatsos were the first to perish when the zombie plague erupted.) Put another way, a nice ride is meaningless if you’re not fit enough to outrun the zombie hordes en route to the driver’s seat.

Notably, many of the 32 rules are auto related. For example, just because there are no cops around to enforce the Highway Traffic Act doesn’t mean one should turn a blind eye to safety. Ergo, consider Rule #3: Seatbelts. There’s nothing worse than finding yourself ejected out of your car and into the hungry arms of zombies.

Then there’s Rule #31: Check the Backseat. Taking that extra second to check for zombies lurking in the rear can be a lifesaver.

When travelling, one mustn’t opt for a Smart Car cabriolet; rather, bigger is better – and machismo rules. After their Escalade is stolen, Columbus and Tallahassee wander through a town looking for a replacement ride. When Columbus notes that an abandoned minivan seems “nice,” Tallahassee responds by repeatedly smashing the minivan with a baseball bat. (They later come across a Hummer packed to the gills with firearms and ammo, prompting Tallahassee to exclaim: “Thank God for rednecks!”)

Although Zombieland is a five-coupon ride of escapism, could it be this film serves as a cautionary tale, too?

Case in point: in the wake of several pedestrian deaths in Toronto last month, Toronto Police constable William Gee noted in a Toronto Sun report: “People are walking around like zombies, driving like zombies. It’s unreal.”

Egad, folks! Is the zombie plague already upon us? If so, get thee to a treadmill! And then to a GM dealership to snap up a Suburban before it’s too late!

Comments

You are in the wrong place , you should be elevated to Movie critic. This is your calling ( scripted no doubt.

SUVs are dealt with pretty much without prejudice either way. Columbus stayed alive somehow in regular cars before meeting Tallahassee, and Tallahassee's love for SUVs seems more akin to his love of twinkies than an unwritten survival rule. Admittedly, the gunlocker in the back of the hummer was a stroke of luck (for Tallahassee: they hadn't helped the disembodied pair of hands still attached to the steering wheel)